Could tradwives help us understand wine cost?

A parody inspired by Nara Smith’s Top Ramen

My algorithm doesn’t push much tradwife content. It knows I’m more of a Yesteryear conspiracy theories + literary commentary kind of gal.

Then Nara Smith made instant ramen. The video link may preview as a baby foot depending on your reading medium, but it’s very much a video about ramen noodles.

It’s mesmerizing. Her husband asks for Top Ramen, the abundantly available gourmet delicacy of our modern age. Lucky, the husband, is instructed to sit tight while she made it from scratch. Inspired by Jacques Pepin, it’s Fast Food, Her Way.

Nara spends 24+ hours making noodles, drying noodles, simmering broth, dehydrating broth, blitzing broth into powder, etc. The next day, Lucky is served this beautiful meal on assumedly artisanal flatware, slurping the noodles in one swoop. You’d be hungry if you’d waited a day for soup too!

The ingredients?! The time and labor?! My brain broke in fascination. Of course it’s satire; doesn’t matter.

Dramatic? Duh, it’s for likes and views.

Realistic? Absolutely not.

Are there people who would pay hundreds of dollars to eat Nara’s ramen? You bet your bottom!

You can see the rationalization. The ingredients are fantastic quality; there’s hours upon hours of labor by a woman who commands a paycheck the rest of us can only covet. Her wardrobe is a wonder. The land they live on, the team who brings these pieces to life…listen, I’m not criticizing any of it. I’m fascinated. It just took the ramen to make me realize it.

I got right to thinking about wine.

If Nara Smith and other tradwives started making wine videos, would the general consumer finally understand the time, labor and materials behind the bottle cost?

Envision Nara et al grafting their dream vines, then waiting years for them to bear fruit. Lucky better not get a craving for grapes…

Would a tradwife pay for organic + biodynamic certifications? Could this be the proof that you can practice organic and elect not pay thousands for the certification?[Dedicated to the many man who scoffed at retail me for daring to suggest anyone would practice organics without paying for the certification. You’re right, what do I know.)

Maybe they need a ghostwriter for the script. Not to suggest that these beautifully rhythmic content bites are pre-planned, it just may…help. Ooh! Maybe several tradwives could collaborate – share those likes!

Tradwives, Tradwine

Nara Smith: My family doesn’t imbibe, but we woke up today craving the wines of my childhood. I decided to make some from scratch.

[Visual:] Nara on a plane, clippers in lap; flash to beautifully manicured hands amongst vines. One grape is slowly picked out of the cluster, then another, then another.

I hopped on a quick plane to Germany to pick my grapes, which were perfectly ripe and had never been treated. It’s amazing how they can naturally withstand any weather catastrophe – grapes are so resilient.

[Visual:] Catastrophic weather background, grapes ripening happily foreground.

I picked just the right number of grapes and took a vine home to plant. I’ve heard this is how Malbec got from France to Argentina, but who knows for sure. Did they even have airplanes then? I’m glad my Conneticut home feels just like the Mosel.

[Visual:] chubby baby legs stomp grapes. Nara assists, delicately dancing in the crush bin in a full-length white silk dress and crisp white leather boots.

We pressed the fruit and let it ferment, real quick.

[Visual:] weeks later, enter Hannah Neelman.

Ballerina Farm: If you’re short on time, my Farmer Protein Powder can get that stuck fermentation moving. Full of colostrum, stevia AND monk fruit, it really lets the natural sweetness of the fruit shine.

Credit unknown; google search result

[Visual:] Natalie Heller Mills – who is definitely three little boys in a trench coat, not Hannah Neelman in disguise – enters. Her diamond-encrusted cross shines, blinding the camera like a mountain sunrise.

Natalie Heller Mills: If I was making wine for our higher power – never for us, of course - we would never use *wince* sweeteners. Just crushed fruit, and a bit of water added exclusively during the Eucharist. Very traditional. We grow Greek grapes on our land. The soils are amazing, so similar to Greece. People said they wouldn’t thrive in Iowa, but our bounty is truly boast worthy, a miracle of nature. [yelling] Hey! Get away from that supply shed! [camera falls]

Enter Lizzy Savetsky: Everyone assumes tradwives are Mormons, but I’m here to say that the practice can be rooted in any religion. One foot in, one foot out, am I right ladies? Also since you already crushed the fruit, this isn’t kosher anyway. Also, i don’t imbibe either.

Enter Abby Roth: Leave the kosher wine to me. It’ll be a great brand builder.

[Visual:] back in Nara’s kitchen. A small wooden firkin rests on the counter.

Nara Smith: We use a barrel made from wood that we grew ourselves in the backyard, toasted over a campfire with the kids. They enjoyed homemade marshmallows as we burnt our wood to a perfect char.

When the yeast is spent, I gently stirred the sleeping liquid with a hand carved Scandinavian wooden spoon, every day, for about two years. Lucky really likes his wine aged sur lie. You can really get the textural difference.

As everything rested, I blew some glass real quick to made Lucky his favorite shape of stemware. Instead of sitting, we laid and lingered on our counter.

[Visual:] A bottle is uncorked – wait, when did they bottle this? Ruby wine flows abundantly. Lucky sips and smiles.

The bottle has straw twisted around the label. It’s inspired by the Cantina Zaccagnini “stick wine,” but we dried our straw in our own backyard sun.

Enter Taylor Swift: Wouldn’t it be easier to just have some of my favorite Sancerre instead?

Image: Wine Spectator